I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
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From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
mood
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.