Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
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I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
A classic…
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.