My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
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My mother’s maiden name is Password.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.