My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
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We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with