Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
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My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
The funk soul brother
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.