nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
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Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
#Thanos #MondayMood
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.