Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
You Might Also Like
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.