If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
You Might Also Like
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Goodnight 🐶
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.