Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
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Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it