“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
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So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
me after eating Cheetos
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.