Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
You Might Also Like
I love you…
…r dog.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
podcasts
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Probably my best painting.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe