It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
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*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Shoo shoo! 😂
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
I’m going to need a moment here.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Become ungovernable.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”