I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
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I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Denise please return my vape pen
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.