Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
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a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
groan^2
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.