Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
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This is no longer winter this is harassment
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
December birthdays be like…
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper