I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
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I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.