I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
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[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
I’m tired tomorrow.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out