Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
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I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
how to have an accident 101
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Knock Knock
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
❤️❤️❤️
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Siri: Retweet me.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.