Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
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Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
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Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”