Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
You Might Also Like
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Why is everyone getting married at me
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Well, shit
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Facebook memories be like
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.