me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
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“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
FRED: right
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries