Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
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Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…