Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
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Godzilla was the first house flipper.
I did not eat the cake…
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.