“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
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When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription