Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
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[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
men are simple creatures
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.