Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
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Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment