me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
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writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.