*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
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Get off my horse you stupid moon
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.