Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
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Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
nobody:
ppl with clear cases: