Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
You Might Also Like
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
What even happened today?
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Those are good neighbors.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.