The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
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M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie