I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
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*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.