My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
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*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.