I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
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*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”