Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
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I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
This came to me in a dream.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?