Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
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Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Time heals everything 🙂
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
My teenage children choosing violence
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot