A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
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How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Only a mother’s love …
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
I am HOWLING at this