Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
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[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
adam and eve had first world problems
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?