“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
You Might Also Like
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Pringles
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*