Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
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Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two