*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
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Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Dietest Coke
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’