I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
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Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
*serious situation*
My brain:
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something