I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
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PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
*skinny dips into black hole
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD