Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
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It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.