A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
You Might Also Like
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Welcome to the stomach
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
I put the hot in psychotic.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
hackers play passwordle
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx