I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
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Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
This is hilarious….
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.