Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
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“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much