Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
You Might Also Like
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
why isn’t thunder called soundning
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel