Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
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“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake