It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
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Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one